There is nothing more frightening....

I had perhaps the biggest scare of my life yesterday. I'm writing this so that one day my baby girl can read it, understand why I was so upset, and know how much her mommy loves her.

Since August, I have talked to scores of family members who are searching for their missing loved ones, mainly children who either vanished, into mid-air it seems, or or murdered. Missing children have always been close to my heart and I pay closer attention to missing children cases in the media than most, probably, and my daily prayers always include families that are enduring the horrific nightmare as well as children who have been abducted.

I don't talk about it much these days, but during the third week of August 2008, my friend Jamie had been talking to me about the Caylee Anthony case. It was on the news daily, and my friend told me I should blog about the bizarre circumstances surrounding the case. "Nancy Grace is on right now, and they are talking about it," she said, so I flipped the channel and watched a few minutes of the coverage.

Something they said about people trying to extort and scam victims' families reminded me of bastards who had lied about having my baby cousin 20 years ago in order to collect ransom. The FBI set up a sting, and the people, nothing more than a bunch of greedy, lying, losers, were arrested, but they didn't have my cousin. They just wanted money. I remembered the heartache felt by the family caused by false hope, and it still angers me to this day.

In 1989, when I was 12, my five-year-old cousin was abducted from a Christmas party in Virginia. As they were leaving the party, M asked her mom if she could take some potato chips home with her. As the story goes, M's mom watched her walk across the room, scoop up a handful of potato chips into her pudgy, tiny hands and head back towards her mother to go home. Her mom looked away for a split second to tell a friend good night, and when she turned back, my baby cousin had vanished.

After an exhausting, and one of the FBI's most famous, investigations, a groundskeeper for the complex where they lived, who had attended the Christmas party that night, was arrested and charged with abduction with intent to defile.

The forensic evidence in M's case was historical and ground-breaking, forcing huge developments in the FBI's technology and development of extensive testing in major crime cases. Media attention and the nationwide search for M could be compared to the wide-spread international focus of such cases as Polly Klaas & Adam Walsh. But M was never found, and her abducter has spent the last 20 years in prison, refusing to utter a single word. There are still episodes aired at least three times a month about my baby cousin, for which I'm grateful and a bit awed, knowing that is MY baby cousin they still wonder about two decades later. I loved her then, and I still do.

I assumed all this time, like most people, that he murdered her, but there was NO evidence of that, so in the back of my mind, I held onto my childhood hope that one day she would be found. Unlikely, I know, but how could I continue to pray for her safety if I didn't believe, at least a little, that she was alive somewhere?

The media coverage of the Anthony case reminded me of M for a few days. Perhaps because we were children and it was more traumatic on the younger members of the family, distant as we were, than what everyone realized, M's cousins have never forgotten her and have always felt helpless. After all, we were just kids....while the adults consoled each other and searched, the children in the family couldn't do anything to show our love for her. In these past few months, I've spoken to several of her childhood and church friends, as well as other cousins, and realized that children all over who knew her also feel a special bond to her and search for her case from time to time, so I've realized I'm not as weird as I had initially thought.

Add to the fact that our mom, always diligent over watching us and warning us of predators BEFORE M's abduction, became more worried that it could happen to anyone, to us, the way it did M and instilled a constant reminder that this is not a safe world for children and to always be careful, with our safety as we grew, and our babies after we were adults.

I'm such a public Nazi when it comes to B, and have told her from early on that NOWHERE is safe, and if she is outside or in public she HAS to stay as close to me or whoever she's with...as close as possible, to stay safe. She's always had a few more rules about playing with friends than her peers, and I have felt guilty about that from time to time, thinking that she's missing out on fun her friends are having, but I just can't bring myself to relax. There's plenty of things to relax about and ignore, being a mom, and I choose for that issue not to be one of them.

Back to August, I googled M's name because I decided to blog about her and tell my friend Jamie, since she is interested in missing children cases, also. That moment sent my life into a tailspin. Perhaps one day I can share the...rest of the story...but not today. I just ask for everyone's continued prayers for M, her family, and a girl I found after googling M's name that day who needed help and a Christian influence, also.

Since that time, though, I have met so many people who have felt the heartache M's parents felt. Two days ago, one of those new friends sent me a link to her family's blog, and I shall share it next, but it's just an example of the types of stories I've heard these past several months, making me more diligent than ever before about my own little girl's safety.

Yesterday at 4:52 p.m., I was talking to my sis on the phone and hanging up a load of laundry when B came to the bedroom. "Mommy, can I go walking with P and her mom?" "Her mom's going?," I asked, without even realizing it because it's become second nature to me...B knows the rules of the household well by now, and she would have known not to even ASK such a thing unless an adult was going along with them.

B has three friends...N lives across the street, and sisters, P and A (who is older), on the other side of us, that she plays with daily. The two families are kin and are some of the best neighbors we've ever had. The moms are responsible and watch their children as closely as I do B, which is a blessing.

"Yea, her mom's taking us," B said, sighing, as though she KNEW I was going to ask that. "Are they out there now?" "Yea, her mom is putting her walking shoes on," she said, impatient to be on her way. "Ok, just be careful and watch for traffic...stay close to her mom," I rattled off as she headed down the hallway to meet them.

About ten minutes later, Chris came in from work and said "Where's B?" I was checking my email and said, with quite a bit of unattention, "She went walking with P." It couldn't have been more than five seconds, and I heard a knock at the door...suddenly, Chris yelled, "JAYME! WHERE'S B????", running down the hall towards me. "She went walking with P," I said, still not paying much attention, but noticing the panic in his voice, I started to pay attention...quickly, and climbed off the bed, nearly crashing into him as he rushed into the bedroom. "No, she's not! N and P are at the door looking for her!"

I ran down the hall, past the kids out the door and said, "B is with ya'll, walking! Where'd she go? Have you seen her? Where's your mom?', scanning our yard and up and down the streets. P and N just stood, looking stunned at me. I was already panicking but trying not to show it....they just weren't answering my questions fast enough! Where's your mom, P? Where's your sister (A, the older of the girls)? Did B come to your house? She said she was walking with you! N, did you see her, did she go to YOUR house? Where's your mom?...I don't know how many more questions I asked, but none of their answers told me where my baby was. OMG OMG Jesus, where is she? I thought, trying not to panic. Chris circled the house, ran to the other neighbors' yards, but no sign of her.

Where's your sister, P? Where's your sister??? Is B with her???
P said, A's at home, in the house, B isn't there. "Go, run, check! Find A, tell her I can't find B! Make sure she isn't in your house! She said she was with YA'LL! SHE SAID YA'LL WERE WAITING FOR HER OUTSIDE!!!' The other two moms circled their houses...no B in the yard...they stuck their heads in the house and yelled her name. No answer....By this time I was standing at the end of our street, my head spinning....my sis was on the phone and I just kept saying, "I can't find her, Amy! I can't find her!' Chris, check her room! "I just did when I got home...she's not here! Her bike isn't here, Jayme! Where is she? Where is she?'

I saw the fear in his eyes that I felt in my heart. "I lost his baby, I lost his baby" began churning in my head. I started thinking of all the undesirables who lived nearby us, trying to calculate exactly how many minutes she'd been gone...they could be in Monticello...half way to Pine Bluff by now....WHERE WAS MY BABY???? SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS WITH P'S MOM! P'S MOM IS STANDING IN HER YARD, with her walking shoes on...STARING AT ME! "Call you back" I said to my sis, my voice shaking, my eyes still searching the neighborhood for ANY sign of her. I thought about my cousin, her mom, all the people who I had talked to, even the day BEFORE, all those babies who had disappeared. OMG, OMG, DID THEY TAKE HER, PLEASE GOD, WHERE IS SHE? Those few minutes seemed like the longest hours of my life.

My sister's call disconnected, I dialed 911, and with my finger on the green call button, watched for P to come back outside and tell me whether her older sister, A, had seen B...just to make sure before I called the police. My knees began getting weak as I thought of the horrible things that could be happening...of all the places in the world she could be....of all the hundreds of cars that drive by our house each day...she could be anywhere, with anyone. I never imagined the world as huge and frightening as I did in those moments.

What was only a minute later but seemed like an eternity, I saw P emerge from her house, shaking her head no with her hands in the air....her sister wasn't behind her. Their mom appeared from behind their house where she was scanning again, stopped P in route to me, and told her something...P ran towards me and said, "Mommy said they may have gone on ahead or walked to the dollar store," she said. Fear turned into pure rage....she BETTER HOPE I don't find her little butt in town without an adult!

Anger....while I immediately felt guilty for being mad when she could possibly be in danger, I guess it's the only way my mind could process the information enough to be able to function...to be able to make it back to my car to go find her....As I whipped out of the driveway, the neighbors and Chris stood in the yard staring at my spinning tires as I peeled out onto the main road...I must've been going 60 before I made it the short distance to the stop sign, where I would turn left and head toward the dollar store. WTF is she doing going to the store???, I asked myself as my phone rang and I turned the corner...it was my sister..."I'm headed to the dollar store...A isn't home so hopefully they are together...she is going to be in so much trouble amy! she BETTER be at the store! she better NOT be at the store, I said in the same breath, but oh, how I wanted to find her safely there. If not there, where? wtf? the STORE? She didn't say anything about the STORE!!! She KNOWS not to go anywhere without an adult, whether an older kid is with her or not! I just wanted my baby back....OMG I should have watched her when she left...but she said they were waiting on her....this is my fault, all my fault. Where is she? She HAS to be at the store....

My sis was in my ear on the phone, but I couldn't comprehend what she was saying...could barely hear her...my ears were ringing, chest pounding, the knots in my stomach that appeared the moment Chris told me the girls were at the door looking for Becca was growing by the second. I whipped into the store parking lot, and saw a girl that resembled A walking down one of the aisles..."I think I found them, Amy, I think I found them," I rushed into the store, but no sign of them..."I thought you saw A?" Amy was saying in my ear, with me saying "She's not here, Amy, she's not here" rushing up and down the main aisles, whipping my head left, right, then left again, paying extra attention to the toy aisles. "It wasn't her, it was someone else," I said, turning to head back out of the store. I noticed a girl in her early 20s staring at me with a snotty look....if I weren't in such a hurry to find my baby, I was in the right mood to smear that look right off her face...'eff her, my baby's missing,' I thought as I slammed back out the door and headed to my car, looking all through the parking lots nearby for the girls.

"She has to be with A. She has to be ok, Amy. She is in SO much effing trouble when I find her! What was she thinking???? She KNOWS better, Amy!" I shouted as I made my way back towards the house, looking inside Subway, behind the insurance office, up and down the streets I passed. As I approached our street, I saw the moms and children standing in the middle of the street, watching for me....A was with them...I looked in my yard and there was B, safe, confused, sitting on her bike. As I slid onto our street and slammed my brakes, B was waving, "Hey, Mommy! Where'd you go? I'm fixing to go walking, ok?" Where in HELL were you, B????," I screamed out the window, finally allowed to be angry now that my baby was safe at home, thanking God over and over that she was safe. I felt tears welling in my eyes as I parked the car....B headed towards the car and said, "We thought her mom had already left, so we went down that way to catch up with her, her little fingers pointing the opposite direction of the store...."but she was still at home, so we came back," she said, innocently, her big blue eyes staring up at her nutted up mom. "INSIDE! NOW! YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!! INSIDE! I THOUGHT SOMEONE TOOK YOU! GET INSIDE!"

"But I want to go walking, Mommy!" she cried in protest..."INSIDE!!!!!" I said, slamming my car door and pointing towards the house, my face flushed, trying to calm myself.

B burst into tears, threw her bike to the side and stormed into the house, me stomping right behind her and slamming the door....
I sat on the couch, my ears still ringing. I could see her explaining to her dad where she had been, and him, looking very concerned, answering her and nodding his head, then hugging her as tightly as possible, thankful she was safe, thankful I had not lost his baby, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. My ears wouldn't work, my hands wouldn't stop shaking, and I felt vomit forming in my mouth.

Chris finished hugging her, kissed her forehead, her cheek, her forehead again. My hearing was coming back....we were just scared, B, so glad you're ok. You scared us.' She looked at me, obviosuly seeing my fear and headed straight to me, "I'm okay, Mommy," she said. "Look, I'm right here," as I held my arms open and she climbed in to my lap. "Don't be mad, Mommy. We thought A's mom had already left. We didnt' see her outside, so we went to catch up with her. I'm ok, Mommy."

The next five minutes or so was me kissing her, squeezing her, so thankful she was back in my arms, so thankful I wasn't one of those moms my heart had broken so many times for, so thankful my baby was safe. We had the 'kidnapped' talk again...what to do if anyone ever seemed odd, scary, approached her...how she should fight like hell, and if they DID get away with her, to PRAY, PRAY PRAY....we reminded her that even if she can't SEE Jesus, even if she can't HEAR him, even if someone is hurting her, to just PRAY, and that Jesus would be right there with her....that noone could hurt her heart, her soul, no matter what because she is a child of God. She seems to know that even more than I do, I guess. "I'm not angry, B, just scared, Baby." "I know, Mommy, you don't want me to disappear like M. But Jesus took care of her, too, Mommy. He'll take care of me." Tears poured down my cheeks....my baby is smarter than most adults. She has peace in her heart, and for that I'm so thankful....

"Can I go play now, Mommy?" I looked at Chris, wild-eyed...I didn't want her to ever leave my sight again....outside seemed so frightening...I knew I wouldn't be able to say Yes because all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms, but I knew that I would have to let her go and be a kid. Chris seemed to know just what was in my heart. He winked at me, said, "She'll be ok, Jayme..." and smiled at me. "Yea, Baby, let me watch you go over to N's. The girls are waiting on you."

As they headed out the door, I rushed to the bathroom and lost what I had been trying to hold back for 20 minutes, praying, taking deep breaths, brushing my teeth, and wiping my tears. I called my sister and told her all is well again, that my baby was safe. "But how are YOU?" She asked..."Oh, I'm ok, now," I said.

I know how all those moms felt now, and I wish I could bring their babies back to them. I was only afraid a few minutes. Some of these parents have been terrifed for years....have never been able to hold and hug their babies, thankful they are back at home safe.