~My Earl List~

Based upon the horribly skanky white trash show My Name is Earl....

I'm apologizing for horrible things so that maybe Karma will give me a break...

My wonderful friend Amy told me I could blog about this, how could I NOT, and for that I name her the Ultimate I.M. friend of all time.
I can't believe the things I do on a daily basis. I keep my foot in my mouth more than in my Converses.
I have edited this blog because it's public, but basically, Amy gave me permission to blog this because she made the same slip a few days later in a really awkward moment....

1. Amy I.M.ed me one night and I asked her about something and said 'omgosh did u just have a heart attack and die when....'
She had logged on to tell me her friend had suffered a heart attack and died.

2. I felt worse about this, but thankfully this friend is a sweetheart too and joked with me about it recently. She told me to add it to my Earl List. Last year, I saw her at the Mexican restaurant eating lunch with her mom. Being all cheesy, I went over hugged her and said 'How's your dad! Tell him I said 'hi!' Her mom busted out crying. Her dad had died months before. Since I've moved from Monticello, I'm out of touch with alot of people I've known my whole life. I was so embarassed. I was mortified even more when we got to the car and my hubby said, 'Dang, Jayme. And it's Father's Day, too.'

3. I'm sorry I got my sister grounded twice in high school. The first time for taking me to see Rodney, my lil jr. high boyfriend, when we were supposed to only be going to Piggly Wiggly for ground beef. It wasn't slutty, at all, by the way. I was a good girl, I was...a fat little bible thumper all the way through high school. But I talked her into going by his house for a few moments of awkard flirting on his dad's porch. When I walked in the door at the house, after my sis drilling me all the way home not to tell Mom we went ANYWHERE but the store, my mom said 'How's Rodney?' I said 'Oh, he's doing great.' I apologize for getting her grounded again with Phillip. That time when I walked in the door, my mom said 'What's Phillip doing today?' I said 'Watching a movie.' dang.

4. I'm sorry what I told the girl at the church. In my defense, she had worked weight into every single conversation with me for at least two months. Every time, this chick would say 'If you'd just lose a little weight, you'd look better...' or 'Maybe you should try this diet I'm on and get rid of those fat arms.' I was suffering from PMS one day, quite grouchy, and was irked cuz this girl was fatter than I've ever been. I just turned around right there in the fellowship hall and said 'Why are you always so worried about how fat I am? What if I told you that you look like a side of beef in a wig?' I feel bad about that.

5. I'm sorry to the janitor at the IMAX about 15 years ago when I peed on myself because I got tickled and couldn't find the bathroom in time. (Refer to my older blogs if you must know more).

6. I'm sorry to our friend that came to visit us about a month after Becca was born. It was a good friend of my hubby's (and many of you, actually) and we were sitting and having baby talk. Chris tickled Becca's feet and I freaked and said, 'NO! You can't tickle her!' 'Why?', they asked? 'Cuz my great-grandma said if you tickle her she'll grow up with a speech impediment.' After the guy left, I found out that he suffered from the particular speech impediment I was referring to...I had just never heard him.

7. I'm sorry for Grandparents Day altogether. Becca's grandparents weren't going to attend GP Day at the school, and I felt horrible because I didn't want her to be left out. We called the teacher and I kept her home from school and took her to the park. I was quite proud of myself for being such a great mom until she fell off the monkey bars and landed flat on her back. After a trip to the ER, I took her to see her dad at work. I ran over a limb that I should have known better not to run over and had a blowout in the parking lot. The salesmen were standing at the door of the dealership, and one of them came out to check it out. Chris was inside on the phone. Already frazzled from the whole 'I let my daughter fall off the monkey bars' thing, I said, 'OMGosh! Was it that big ol' stick, Daryl?', knowing full well it was, 'I gotta get it out of there before Chris sees it!' I squatted, and the whole back of my jeans ripped in two. So sorry to Becca for keeping her home from school, to Chris for blowing out a brand new tire, and the two school buses of children riding down the highway as well as all the Tigercat guys I mooned. My butt is not a good one to be flashing, I assure you.

8. I'm sorry to the people that I typed the birth announcement for years ago at the newspaper. I was busy that morning, and I swear I thought it said Alan when I proofread it. Nope. Anal didn't go over well at all.

9. I'm sorry to the manager of Wal-Mart when I answered phones during Christmas season about 10 years ago. I had worked at our local grocery store as assistant bookkeeper all through high school, and must've answered the phones at least a few hundred times a day. I was sitting at the fitting rooms running the swtichboard at Wal-Mart a few years later when a girl who used to work with me in high school stopped to say hi. About that time, the phone rang, probably someone wanting Electronics or Lay-A-Way, and I screwed up TWICE in one fell swoop. When I answered, not only did I accidently push the intercom button to send it out across the store, but I said, 'Welcoome to Piggly Wiggly! May I help you?' They didn't ask me to watch the switchboard much after that at our local Wal-Mart.

10. I'm sorry to Chris for passing gas in the grocery store then running around to the other aisle so people would think he done it.The Butcher wasn't the only one that was mad that day.

11. I'm sorry for killing Becca's kitty. I swear I didn't know it was under the hood of my car. And I'm sorry for forgetting and letting the replacement kitty out two days later, leaving it to the fate of the neighborhood stray dog. I also apologize for puking on it when it I discovered it had resurfaced a few days after we buried it. The stray dog apparently wasn't through with it yet and dug it out of his grave, returning it to my front porch.

12. I'm sorry I ran over my high school teacher's pet rooster on Bolling Street a whole two days after I got my driver's license. And I'm also sorry for going to the school the next day and saying, 'Hey, Colonel. I fried a chicken by your house last night.'

Endnote: My sister, the sibling who never forgets anything, added to my list in a myspace comment:

she didn't say she was sorry when she laughed when a cow pooped on her mom at the fair, for accidentally whacking me in the nose with the truck door cuz she was chasing me trying to delete a picture of her boobs out of my phone, for wearing a new beautiful sweater my mom bought her for christmas to watch the new years fireworks and getting the sweater caught on fire, for the 10 dozen times she froze my bra, for dragging her pigtails through a wet paint job on a car my dad just painted, for backing my ford truck into a dork's bumper in front of the piggly wiggly, for yelling bloody murder and making me hit a trash can in my mother's van, for calling in to the radio, winning billy ray cyrus tickets and screaming like a banshee for five minutes then telling the annoncer her name was "amy adams", for making me watch the brady bunch, for laughing til she cried when i fell on the ice and broke my nose, for threatening to murder the nurse's dog when i was in the hospital having ben....

~I would like to say in defense of the dog thing that Ben was seven weeks early, he had a huge crater in his tiny lil chest becasuse his lungs were collapsing, I was the only one there, the nurse wouldn't call the doctor, and neo natal in Little Rock when they flew him there said if he had gotten there just half an hour later they wouldn't have been able to save him.