~The Pee Blog~

I woke this morning to the sounds of Lawson running late for work...I had left his work clothes on the bedroom door, but forgot to lay out his unmentionables last nite before I went to bed, so when I woke up, he was opening his undies and sock drawers...big wooden drawers underneath our bed.
He kissed me goodbye and rushed down outside, and I rolled of bed. My left foot landed in the top drawer - that he had accidently left open.
My foot twisted around backwards, and the drawer slammed shut on it. I have no idea where my other leg disappeared to while all this was going on, but it didn't help me at all.
Drawers slammed around, brass handles clanged, and after what seemed like forever,my right shoulder landed on the floor, shortly followed by my a**. My mid-section however, didn't hit the floor....it ended up across the corner of the bottom drawer, also open.
I am quite the clumsy one and shall be the first to admit it. I don't normally whine, or even tell people, about my slips and falls. But this one made me cry. It hurt like hell....my foot, ankle, big toe on my other foot (wtf? how did it get hurt? it wasn't anywhere to be found! 'Serves ya right,' I thought.), left wrist, and right hand....
I put a small red lump on my forehead from the wall, tore a piece of tiny little piece of flesh from my right pinkie on the baseboard of the wall, jarred my back, and my shoulder still ain't feelin' rite.
So, as revenge to my beloved, I shall share with you HIS brain fart of the week....
He was helping me clean out my car Sunday while Ben and Becca were nearby swimming in the pool that reminds me of a big ol blue witchpot, like we're cookin' kids in the backyard..the green and orange neon floats even look a little like giant carrot and celery sticks floating around with em....anyways....
I had gone inside and when I came out, Lawson was standing between the car door and the pool and had this brownish purple crap smeared all over his chest....'this mess is sticky, but it smells good,' he said, smelling the stuff all over his hands and fingers. It was darker than any lotion I had ever used. I was confused.
He was standing there in his swimming trunks holding a little package....you know the little samples of tanning lotion from the salon that are about 4 inches long and 2 inches wide? I buy those, and he had found one in the car and put it on. As I got closer to him, the scent of grape grew stronger and stronger.
I took the package from him and looked at it....on the last day of school, Becca's class had gone to the IMAX in Little Rock....Lawson had smeared this smushed up grape crap that the teachers had given the kids as a snack all over him thinkin' it was my tanning lotion.
I feel totally justified, by the way, in the telling of this IMAX tale because he has taken pure joy for years in telling everyone that even mentioned that place about the time decades ago when I peed on myself there. Yeah, I just said on the Internet that I peed on myself at the grand opening of the IMAX in Little Rock, AR. It's not the stupidest thing I've done, is it, Chris? And that was his fault, too. He wanted to go upstairs and I had to pee, so he told me he had already been up there and saw a bathroom. When there wasn't one on the second level, he said it was quicker to the third level than back down to the first level...and I believed it! LOL
You can see where this is going, I'm sure....I knew I couldn't make it all the way down to the first level. I was criss-crossing my legs and bending my knees....my knuckles were white from holding on to the brass railing around the shuttle (or whatever the hell it was...I didn't pay attention. I HAD TO PEE!!!) on display. Lawson opened the only door up there, with huge yellow and black 'do not enter' signs on it. I was beginning to panic, but trying to whisper at the same time so the middle-school class on tour behind me wouldn't hear. "NO! We'll get caught!"
Lawson peeked inside and said "COME on! There's a bathroom right there! I told you there was one up here." I managed to get thru the door stooped over, knees still together, looked up and there was nothing but, I swear to you, a coke machine, two plastic coke crates, and two doors.
I immeidately sat on the crate just to get my groupings so I could make it over to the bathroom door, but it wasn't even a bathroom door! It was a locked office, and when Lawson threw the other door open, he almost fell off a ledge! The IMAX is also an aircraft museum, and there was a door, like a loading door or something, just up in the air in the side of the building. He looked like Clark Griswold at the Hoover Dam (Nat'l Lampoon's Vegas Vacation). He slammed the door and turned around - his eyes were about to pop outta his head, and I just lost it. We both fell out laughing and I felt it right there on the brink...."OMG! I CAN'T HOLD IT ANYMORE!!" I said, and I laughed till I cried. And peed everywhere.
In conclusion, Lawson had to go downstairs and buy me a pair of little kid shorts to wear back home commando...we were with my PARENTS, I might add. And when I got down to the lobby and whispered to my mom why I had on a new pair of shorts, my dad goes, "YOU PEED? MY GOD, JAYME," and joined in with Lawson & everyone else in there.
ANYWAYS, since I'm clownin' on Lawson today, I'll give him props, too....he's only been service manager a few months & is hearing good at work...he's doing great & I'm so proud of him! The stress is gettin' him, tho...maybe tonite I'll try to relieve the tension and give him a massage with mashed up, rotten fruit. He seems to like that. But I promise not to pee on him.